Heaven Was

When we were young we knew where heaven was

(In the sky) (with God) 

We didn't need it then 

It was nice enough, running through alfalfa

Giving kittens swimming lessons 

(Against their will) 

Making houses 

Under trees; 

We were well enough. 

With some years we found that heaven was

Out in space. A physical place 

That could only be found 

When dead. We worried 

About not getting there, 

or getting there too soon 

We wanted kisses first 

And new dresses 

And more 

More maple pastries 

More memories 

More time to prove

that life was good.

Somewhere between now and then we learned where

Heaven isn't. 

In my head. On my hands. 

In his eyes. Heaven's not in 

A shared bed. We learned 

That it is possible to be 

Dead and go nowhere. 

And Heaven wasn't in the ICU; the Pharisees were

I cried and cried and you were home 

With the younger kids. 

And Heaven wasn't there. 

They say in heaven the first are last, the last are first

But we are in the middle 

You with your voices and I with my demons

And heaven nowhere at all 

But threatening us everywhere 

Dead and going nowhere 

The sky burning but the stars never falling 

And so 

It cannot end 

We come from muzzled ancestors and we walk in chaos

Trying to keep ahead of it all 

Rather than trying for heaven 

And sometime we will find the only heaven here

Is a mind that does not eat itself 

Heaven is where hell is not 

A quietness 

And that is well enough 

Different kinds for each of us 

For you a wooden smoking pipe 

A deck of cards 

For me a book, a song, a bed 

(Alone) 

When we were young we thought we knew

Where heaven was. We were naive.

By Pamela Zimmerman